Boundaries After Betrayal: Why “Good Faith Effort” Is the Only Path Forward
By Duane Osterlind, LMFT, CSAT-S
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If you’re the betrayed partner, you’ve probably been told you need to set boundaries. And if you’re like most people I work with, that advice has probably landed somewhere between confusing and impossible. Set boundaries how? With what teeth? What if you set them and your partner ignores them? What if setting them ends the relationship you’re trying to save?
In Part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin, the developer of PACT and author of Wired for Love, he reframed boundaries in a way that I think is one of the most important things a betrayed partner can hear. Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re a good faith effort — and they’re the mechanism that actually gives the relationship a chance to heal.
Let me walk you through what he said.
The Betrayed Partner Actually Has All the Power
This is the part that surprises most people. The betrayed partner usually feels powerless. They feel like the rug has been pulled out, like their entire reality is unstable, like they don’t know what’s coming next. Stan would say that feeling is real — but the actual structure of power in this situation is the opposite of what it feels like.
The betrayed partner holds the cards. They have the option to leave. They have the option to set terms. They have the option to refuse to keep doing this. The person who caused the harm has lost the right to dictate how the recovery goes.
So why doesn’t it feel that way? Because of attachment. The deep biological pull keeps the betrayed partner from throwing down. They love this person. They’ve built a life with them. They have children together. They have shared history, shared friends, shared everything. The attachment system overrides the part of them that knows they could walk.
Stan’s point: knowing this changes things. If you understand that you actually have all the power, you can start to use it on purpose — not as punishment, but as a good faith effort to give the relationship a real shot.
Boundaries as Good Faith Effort, Not Punishment
Here’s the reframe that I think is so important. Most people — including most therapists — talk about boundaries as a defensive move. Something you do to protect yourself from being hurt again. That framing isn’t wrong, but it misses something.
Stan frames boundaries differently. They’re not about protection. They’re about creating the conditions in which change can actually happen.
“They must lose, or they won’t regret anything, and they’ll do it again. That’s just human nature.”
This is hard to hear, but it’s biologically accurate. Without real consequences — without the experience of loss — the person who caused the harm has no internal pressure to do the difficult work of changing. They might say they’re sorry. They might mean it in the moment. But without something at stake, the change won’t hold.
This isn’t about being cruel. It’s about being honest about how humans actually work. When the cost of returning to old behavior is real and tangible, the brain has a reason to rewire. When it’s not, the brain takes the path of least resistance — which is usually the path of the old behavior.
What’s Required From the Person Who Caused the Harm
Stan was clear that this isn’t a one-sided arrangement. The betrayed partner has to be willing to hold the line, but the person who caused the harm has an even more demanding role to play.
He said something that I’ll just paraphrase because it’s so direct: the person who caused the harm has to hold being the hero, the healer, and the villain — all at the same time. And they can’t complain about it.
Let me unpack what that means.
The Hero
They have to show up consistently. They have to be the one initiating repair. They have to do the work of becoming someone whose behavior matches their words — over weeks, months, years. They can’t wait to be asked. They can’t make their partner manage their accountability.
The Healer
They have to be present for their partner’s pain. They have to sit with the trauma they caused without getting defensive, without making it about themselves, without collapsing into shame. They have to be regulated enough to hold space for their partner’s dysregulation.
The Villain
And here’s the part most people can’t accept: they have to live with being the villain in the story. Not forever, but for a long time. They have to carry the weight of being the person who broke the trust — without trying to argue their way out of it, without trying to rewrite the narrative, without asking for credit for the work they’re doing.
All three roles. At the same time. Without complaint. That’s what’s required.
Why This Is Almost Impossible (And Why It Matters Anyway)
I told Stan that hearing him describe this feels harsh — because it is. The betrayed partner is already in agony. The idea that they also have to find the strength to hold a hard line, when every part of them is dysregulated and exhausted, feels like asking too much.
Stan’s response: he deeply understands. It’s hard. He’s not pretending otherwise. But if you actually want your partner to never do this again — if you actually want the relationship to have a chance — the tactical reality is that this is the path. Anything else opens the door to more trouble.
“It’s a hard pill to swallow. Those of you who can do it — miraculous results. Those of you who can’t, I deeply understand. It’s hard.”
What This Means for Your Recovery
If you’re the betrayed partner: this isn’t about punishing your partner. This is about being honest with yourself about what change actually requires. The boundaries you set aren’t cruel. They’re realistic. And they’re often the most loving thing you can do — for yourself and for the relationship you’re trying to save.
If you’re the person who caused the harm: hearing this might feel devastating. The hero-healer-villain trifecta is one of the heaviest loads I’ve ever heard described. But the alternative is worse. The alternative is staying stuck in the same patterns that got you here, while your partner slowly dies inside watching you avoid the work.
This is exactly the kind of work we do in the Shame to Resilience workshop — building the capacity to hold all three roles without collapsing into shame or defensiveness. It’s hard. And it’s possible.
In Part 3, Stan traces this all the way back to where the capacity for secret keeping comes from — dismissive avoidant attachment in infancy. It’s a deeper explanation of why some people develop the pattern in the first place — and what to do about it. I’ll link to that next.
Watch the full series:
Part 1: What Betrayal Does to the Brain - Click Here for Part 1
Part 2: Boundaries as Good Faith Effort (this post)
Part 3: Attachment and the Origins of Secret Keeping
Part 4: Shame, Guilt, and the Path Forward
Related reading:
About Dr. Stan Tatkin:
Dr. Stan Tatkin is the developer of PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) and the author of Wired for Love and In Each Other’s Care. Learn more at thepactinstitute.com.
